Trapped in my own mind

I was there. I was holding her hand. She was scared to death, she was feeling lost. Her skin was as cold as a broken heart. She was it. She was the broken heart. I was holding her close to me. I was slowly moving my fingers on her wrists. I was feeling them; the scars. There they were.

She started crying. I didn’t stop.

She was hurt. She was scared. And for the first time, she was vulnerable. She was all mine. Her dark green eyes, her soft pale skin, her bloody bitten lips, her short brown hair and her smile. Her smile wasn’t like any other smile I’ve seen. You could see the fear in the corners of her shivering lips while she kept biting them. She was the sun on a rainy day; she was the warm hug after a loss; she was a black coffee after a good night sleep; she was the cigarette after sex; she was the wind on the hottest day of summer; she was the colors of leaves in autumn; she was the air; my air. She was it. And I was falling for her.

Trapped in my own mind. I woke up. I was dreaming. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Who was she? I was searching for her with every step I took, I was searching for her in every girl I saw; on the street, in coffee shops, in restaurants, at the theater, in clubs. No sign of her.

I was dreaming of meeting the girl of my dreams. One day I will, I thought.

I woke up. I was dreaming.

Days went by, relationships ended, friendships were born… but no sign of her.

I was feeling lost.

One day… It was late at night and I was taking a walk, trying to clear my head, still thinking about my odd dream and trying to figure out why it felt so real… I was passing by a window and I stopped. I stared inside: a gallery of art filled with portraits. That’s when I realized. I saw myself. I stared at my own reflection and it hit me: it was me. I was holding my own hand. I was falling in love with myself. I started crying. How is it possible? How can you fall in love with yourself? Why was I holding my own hand?

It was me. It had always been me. Why didn’t I see this before?

I was finally finding myself after years and years of feeling alone. But it was all inside of me. I was the light in the present. It was me. I thought I was falling in love with the light when, in fact, I was falling in love with my own self…

This is how it all started.